Facepalm, Faceplant, Facebook
by Euregatto
Summary: Owen finally convinces Noah to get a personal Facebook account to keep in touch with the other contestants of Total Drama... and Noah soon regrets it. If only he had known what spectacular amounts of chaos it would cause.
1. The Return of Chris McClean pt1

**AN: _Review _**_**and let me know if you think I should continue this**. Just a funny little story I felt like writing that I'll post one chapter for at least twice a month, maybe more often. I own nothing._

* * *

**Noah Boyd:** _OK, fine. Owen, you win, I now have a personal page and half the cast members are already my "friends". This can't possibly end well…  
_(Posted 5 hours ago)  
(Owen Powell likes this)

**Owen Powell**: Dude, this is awesome! We're totally best buds now!

**Noah Boyd**: Are you saying we weren't friend before?

**Owen Powell**: No we were. But now it's official!

**Noah Boyd**: …I'm already regretting this decision.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway: **Welcome aboard Nick!

**Noah Boyd**: It's Noah! It's even spelled out for you!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway:** Your so funny Ricardo!

**Noah Boyd**: *You're

**Noah Boyd:** And that's not even close to Noah!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Who's not close to Noah?

**Noah Boyd**: Ricardo!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: You mean Alejandro?

**Noah Boyd**: What – NO!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: I don't know a Ricardo… I don't think I do, anyway… is he a fan of mine?

**Owen Powell**: I'm sure there's at least one fan of yours named Ricardo. But Noah meant that his name isn't Ricardo.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Wait, so Ricardo isn't Ricardo? Then who is he?

**Noh Boyd**: Nonono! I'm not Ricardo!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: I know that silly. You can't be Ricardo, your Nick!

**Noah Boyd**: *You're

**Noah Boyd**: And I'm Noah!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: So I'm Ricardo?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway: **No, I'm Lindsay! You're confusing me Nathan!

**Noah Boyd**: For the love of -!

**Owen Powell**: It's alright dude, just breathe…

**Noah Boyd**: First convo and already I want to throw my computer out a window. You owe me big, Owen.

* * *

**Gwen Brookes: **_So… season 5 is a maybe and, if we're allowed to audition, our host is going to be…?  
_(Posted 3 hours ago via iphone)  
(Owen Powell and 4 other people like this)

**Courtney Swanson**: It's Chris, I'm sure he'll charm his way out of prison.

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Or he'll buy the place out.

**Courtney Swanson**: I don't think he can legally do that…

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders**: It's Chris. He does a lot of things that aren't legal.

**Cameron Reeds**: He got away with sticking us on a toxic deathtrap for a full season. Do you know what the radiation poisoning could have done to us!?

**Jo Thompson**: *cough Dakota cough* He was arrested anyway.

**Geoff Chambers**: It'd be GREAT if we could have a host who doesn't want to blow us up on a regular basis.

**Bridgette Gale Rhodes**: Would Chef still be Chef?

**Gwen Brookes**: Hold up, are we actually considering auditioning for a show that's almost killed us countless times?

**Noah Boyd**: I would enjoy not having to break dance to survive lasers again, thank you very much.

**Scott Simmons:** I don't think I can survive another shark attack.

**Alejandro Burromuerto**: My hair FINALLY grew back.

**Cody Anderson: **I have no intentions of skydiving from a plane ever again.

**Heather Banks**: Money's money. It's kind of a once in a life time opportunity.

**Noah Boyd: **So is living.

**Courtney Swanson**: I think we're just being paranoid. I mean, Chris is in jail, there's nothing to worry about!

**Chris Gorgeous McLean**: Who said I was still in jail?

* * *

**Trent "Cool Guy" Sanders**: _I don't think there's any two-word combination scarier than "Zombie Apocalypse".  
_(Posted 2 hours ago via mobile device)  
(Courtney Swanson and 8 Other People like this)

**Courtney Swanson**: Economic Collapse

**Owen Powell**: Empty Fridge

**Noah Boyd**: Twilight Saga

**Duncan James Hendersen**: You're Busted

**The Fabulous Dakota Milton**: Friday, Friday~

**Cody Anderson**: Gotta get down on Friday!

**The Fabulous Dakota Milton**: Dude, I wasn't singing it because I liked it.

**Cody Anderson:** Oh… oops.

**Brick MacArthur**: Power Outage

**Gwen Brookes**: Hello Kitty

**Jo Thompson**: Chris McLean

**Heather Banks**: Angry Eva

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders**: I think Heather wins this one.

**Heather Banks**: Ha-Ha!

**Courtney Swanson**: Oh, come on! She always wins! An Economic Collapse is terrifying!

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Yeah, but not as much as an angry Eva. I'd take the collapse any day if it meant I wouldn't have to deal with her temper tantrums!

**Eva IWillKillYouSoGetOutOfMyWay**: You guys know I can see this conversation, right?


	2. The StarStalker Showdown

**AN: **_Wow I got a lot of reviews last chapter... you guys are awesome. AWESOME. This story won't be all FB convos, but also more of the effects in Noah's life following this abrupt change. Next few chapters will reflect that. I also changed the synopsis a little, because this will now be a story as opposed to just convos. I prefer the story... ._._

* * *

Noah tapped his foot impatiently and reclined in his seat. His brow was creased into a frown mirroring his lips, forming his typically un-amused expression. His phone sat idly on the desk in front of him, its screen flickering with silent reminders from receiving notifications. "Resist Noah. It's just a bunch of status updates… and other stupid conversations you don't need to be a part of."

Ever since Owen hooked up Noah's account – to his phone, as well as his laptop, thus dooming him to a fate worse than death – life had been much more… interesting, to say the least. As much as Noah didn't care for what went on in the lives of the other contestants (he especially didn't need to know what they were having for lunch. Owen now had his own folder for all pictures involving cheeseburgers), he couldn't help but feel… a little intrigued.

Agitated, he left his phone to blink to life as he received yet another notification and perched on his bed, nuzzling his nose into the pages of his novel. "It's just a stupid social site," he uttered, flipping the page, "don't let the temptation get to you, Noah."

Blink.

_Notification, _Noah told himself, allowing the thought to bypass his mind.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Fifteen pages later.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Noah finally gave up and tossed his book aside. The phone's blinking ceased, almost like it was toying with him, but it was far too late now. Noah was going to check his notifications and he was going to make a vague attempt at liking it.

* * *

**Lindsay S. Hathaway:** _OMG I had my picture on the front cover of StarStalker Magazine again!  
_(Posted via Android 3 hours ago)  
(93 people like this)

**Noah Boyd**: We've been over this Lindsay. Your picture plus a magazine called STALKER does not equal good things.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: It's OK Nick I was never good at math!

**Noah Boyd**: It's Noah. And why do you have 93 likes on a single post?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway:** Those are all my friends!

**Noah Boyd**: You have friends?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Yeah, I got 200 friends just last week!

**Noah Boyd**: You're supposed to make a separate page for all your fans.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: I have one of those! I hit 700,000 fans yesterday!

**Noah Boyd**: So you just normally have a lot of friends?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Yep! :3

**Noah Boyd:** You probably don't even know any of them except for the cast members.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Nope! :D

**Noah Boyd**: and now I'm gone.

* * *

Noah was back to reading.

His conversation with Lindsay only served to remind him about the horrors of the internet. He was perfectly content with being the Noah-It-All that truly didn't know it all, so long as that meant he could avoid prying into the personal lives of others and suffering the consequences afterwards (it was almost like the perfect death trap). If anything, he would like to forget some of the statuses he had read thus far, even though he had only had his account for a week.

The phone blinked, earning his attention again.

Noah set his book down and made a move to shut it off just as his mother called out to him from downstairs, demanding that her recluse of a son recede from the seclusion of his room and get some fresh oxygen into his lungs. "FINE!" He snapped and promptly stomped downstairs towards the front door.

He didn't make it to the mail box. In fact, he didn't even make it past the porch… there was a familiar magazine tossed haphazardly on the boards before the screen door. Without so much as a second glance Noah knew _exactly_ what he was looking at.

He whipped out his phone.

* * *

**Noah Boyd**: _Lindsay! I am very, very angry right now!  
_(Posted to Lindsay S. Hathaway's Time Line via Mobile Device, 50 minutes ago)

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Ah, don't be mad Nick, turn that frown upside down!

**Noah Boyd**: It's Noah, and now I'M on StarStalker Magazine's front cover! GET ME OFF!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: But I can't...

**Noah Boyd**: Ugh, it's degrading!

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Hey, most of us have been on at least one issue.

**Noah Boyd**: Seriously?

**Courtney Swanson**: I was on the cover with Duncan… our photo was from when we got our antlers stuck together.

**Owen Powell**: I was photographed while falling from a plane!  
(Izzy Insanity likes this)

**Jo Thompson**: Half of Dakota's stupid paparazzi were from StarStalker, so I ended up on the cover.

**The Fabulous Dakota Milton**: Hey, at least I have fans.

**Jo Thompson**: I totally have fans!

**Brick MacArthur**: I'm your fan, Jo! :D

**Jo Thompson**: Shut up, Cadet!

**Brick MacArthur**: Yes ma'am :'(

**Jo Thompson**: And how in the hell can you even type, Dakota? YOU'RE A MUTANT.

**The Fabulous Dakota Milton**: My claws are incredibly pointed. I could work a typewriter!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: What's a thingymajig?

**Cameron Reeds**: A typewriter. It's basically the first computer. But without internet… or electricity. And if you messed up you had to start your document from the beginning!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: *gasp* NO! Without internet?

**Jo Thompson:** Easy String Bean, don't break her.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Typewriters sound really really awful! The thought of living without internet kinda hurts my brain…

**Heather Banks**: Just thinking hurts your brain, Lindsay.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Oh yeah…

**Izzy Insanity**: I was on StarStalker once! IT WAS AWESOME! I was wrestling a grizzly bear! RAWR! MWAHAHAHAHA!

**Eva IWillKillYouSoGetOutOfMyWay**: I was in the background beating up Cody.

**Cody Anderson**: And that's the only time I made it to the cover page… *sigh* I totally wanted to be in that picture with Gwen, though.

**Gwen Brookes**: Wait, I made a cover page? Great…

**Beth Shermin**: I was featured when I made it to the final two on TDA!

**Heather Banks**: I've been on it twice… that I know of.

**Lightning Sha-Zam**: How come Lightning wasn't on it? LIGHTNING WANTS TO BE SHA-FRONT COVER TOO!

**Scott Simmons:** I hope I wasn't on the front.

**Jo Thompson: **No, you were. With Dawn might I add?

**Dawn the Moonchild**: Yipee! I've never been in a magazine before! Wait, Scott, does this make me an 'overrated teen pop anorexic celebrity' like the kind you told me about on Television?

**Scott Simmons:** No, I was just exaggerating. Not ALL of them are anorexic. They could be bulimic, like my cousin. Or worse… they cold be… *cue dramatic slamming of fingers onto the lower keys of a piano* PHOTOSHOPPED.

**Dawn the Moonchild**: That sounds horrible! …What is that exactly?

**Lightning Sha-Zam**: Wait, sha-woah! Shark Bait AND Creepygirl BOTH got on StarStalker's cover page and LIGHTNING sha-didn't!?

**Noah Boyd**: OK look, none of that (especially the typewriter) changes the fact that I feel like suing every cent out of that stupid company...

**Courtney Swanson**: Cut the profit 50-50 and you've got yourself a lawyer!

**Gwen Brookes**: You're not even qualified yet.

**Courtney Swanson**: LAW SUIT! LAW SUIT! LET'S GO GET US SOME COURT DATES!

**Noah Boyd**: *sigh* I was being sarcastic, Courtney.

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Too late, she's beyond reason now.

**Courtney Swanson**: Noah, So what color suit should I wear? Gray is professional, but black is serious and fierce!

**Noah Boyd**: There is no law suit, Courtney.

**Courtney Swanson:** I'm free for court all next month!

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Just give up, Noah. She's gone Insane-Lawyer Courtney mode.

**Noah Boyd**: I think I'll go legally change my name, get a new Facebook page (or don't get one at all) and disappear forever now, thank you very much.

**Courtney Swanson**: Legal you say? I could totally hook you up!

**Izzy Insanity:** I once tried to disappear forever by faking my death with some left over explosives I stole from Chris!

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders**: I think I speak for all of us when I say that there's something not right in your noggin, Izz.

**Izzy Insanity**: I blame bad parenting! My mom once told me she dropped me on my head when I was a kid!

**Izzy Insanity**: Several times a day!

**Izzy Insanity**: FOR A YEAR!

**Noah Boyd:** ...I'm out.

* * *

Noah found that now that he was online, some of the games weren't so bad… and some of the conversations with the other contestants weren't half bad either.

Pfft, who was he kidding? And why the hell was he still online?!

* * *

**Dawn the Moonchild**: _You never answered my question about what PHOTOSHOPPED meant.  
_(Posted to Scott's Timeline, 20 Minutes ago)  
(Scott Simmons likes this)

**Scott Simmons:** Photoshop is an image editing program for your computer. Work your tools right and you can turn even Owen into a super model.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: I wanna be a super model!

**Noah Boyd**: You are a model.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Oh yeah!

**Noah Boyd:** You're not the brightest crayon in the box, are you?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Wait, now I'm a crayon? Wasn't I just a model?

**Scott Simmons:** I'm having fun with this…

**Dawn the Moonchild**: Don't you dare!

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Is this like roleplaying? I'm bad at it… I always forget who I'm supposed to be... What color crayon am I?

**Noah Boyd**: At this point, I think black would be an accurate choice.

**Scott Simmons:** You know Lindsay, I'd have to say you're also not the sharpest tool in the shed.

**Dawn the Moonchild:** *sighs* For the love of Mother Nature, Scott… Don't confuse her.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway:** I like the thought of being a crayon better than a shed tool. Can I be air instead of black?

**Noah Boyd**: Uhm… air?

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Heather said that I would like the color air. It's part of the purple family!

**Scott Simmons:** Uh, air isn't a color…

**Lindsay S Hathaway**: It isn't? Oh… how about lasagna?

**Dawn the Moonchild:** That's a food.

**Noah Boyd**: I'm surprised you can even spell lasagna.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: You guys make my brain work too hard! It really really hurts! Is cheesecake a color at least?

**Dawn the Moonchild:** That's still a food.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: So what is a color?

**Noah Boyd**: Purple.

**Lindsay S. Hathaway**: Purple isn't a color, it's a family!

**Scott Simmons:** Noah man, I don't know why you even bother…

**Noah Boyd**: I tell myself that every day.

* * *

_**Next chapter preview: Trent's Party of the Century! **_

_Noah cursed his poor decision making skills for three reasons: 1) he was currently at Trent's not-so-spectacular party, 2) "Svetlana" Mike was swinging from the chandelure above the mass of chaos ensuing down below, adding a not-so-humorous effective to the atmosphere, and 3) he was at Trent's not-so-spectacular party in the middle of the ensuing chaos with nothing but a bent plastic cup of spiked punch to defend himself with._

_"And there goes the order of things." Thank you, internet._


	3. Trent's Party of the Century

_A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews! You guys are so awesome! :D_

**Trent's Party of the Century**

* * *

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders**: _Parents going to Italy for the weekend! Can you guys say, PARTY?!  
_(Posted 3 hours ago via mobile device)  
(DJ Little and 9 other people like this)

**Duncan James Hendersen**: I'M IN!

**Owen Powell**: That would be AWESOME!

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders**: Everyone's invited!  
(7 people like this)

**Gwen Brookes:** Good, I need a break from my family anyway.

**DJ Little:** Can I bring bunny?

**Geoff Chambers**: DJ, man, we talked about this... Bunny could run off again.

**Bridgette Gale Rhodes**: Wait, Geoff, how'd you get Bunny back? I never got to ask.

**DJ Little:** Duncan found him!

**Bridgette Gale Rhodes**: But Bunny was eaten by a snake, the snake was captured by a Hawk, and all three were consumed by a shark along with a piece of the dock. HOW IN THE WORLD DID DUNCAN GET HIM BACK?

**Geoff Chambers**: Bridge... I told DJ that Bunny ran off...

**DJ Little**: ...

**Bridgette Gale Rhodes**: Oh, well, I just made things awkward so I'll be leaving!

**DJ Little**: GEOFF! You'd better sleep with one eye open, man!

**Geoff Chambers:** I have been since that day, dude. Trust me.

* * *

**Justin EyeCandy Torres:** _I've decided that my worst fear is getting old, because I'm going to lose the perfection that is currently my young and supple body.  
_(Posted 4 minutes ago)  
(Owen Powell and 7 other people like this)

**Trent "Cool Dude" Sanders:** Dude, I do NOT check my notices to see a post like this.

**Justin EyeCandy Torres:** Hey, YOU sent ME the friend request.

**Heather Banks**: Justin, you're only eighteen, you'll be fine.

**Owen Powell:** Oh believe me, he won't be fine, he IS fine.

**Noah Boyd:** *face palm*

**Justin EyeCandy Torres**: ...

**Owen Powell**: DOH, why'd I say that!?

**Heather Banks**: ANYWAY, trust me Justin, you have nothing to worry about.

**Duncan James Hendersen**: Until he wakes up one morning and realizes he's sixty and balding.

**Justin EyeCandy Torres**: Go jump off a cliff.

**Duncan James Hendersen**: I already have, Prettyboy.

* * *

Noah didn't have a chance to reply to the conversation because a sudden crash echoed out from downstairs. It sounded like an ear-splitting chorus of splintering oak wood, twisting metal and collapsing framework – he knew, right then and there, that the front door had just been smashed open by the second largest force this side of the planet. His fears were confirmed by the exclamation that resonated from one story beneath him.

**_"NOAH!"_**

Owen barreled into Noah's room before the brainiac could get his second foot over the windowsill to make his escape. The blonde reeled him back through the window and into a bone-crushing hug. "NOAH, MAN! You would NOT believe how awesome this is!"

Noah shoved out of Owen's grip. "Dammit Owen, ow! What's with you?"

Owen's bloodshot eyes were the aftermath effects of drinking one too many cups of coffee and then three more. "Dude, I just drove five hours to get here and tell you the awesome news!"

"Heather fell in a hole?"

"No!"

"That's a shame."

"I'm serious dude!" Owen was a shivering wreck from the unstable – and very unhealthy – combination of caffeine, adrenaline and by the smudge of hot fudge on his shirt ice cream sundaes. "Trent's gonna throw the most awesome party in the world and we're invited!"

Noah folded his arms back against his chest. "Whoopdie-freaking-doo. I'm not going."

Owen's disappointed expression was almost heartbreaking. Almost. "But why _not_?!"

Noah froze when an abrupt realization dawned on him. "Wait, let's back up a little, how'd you comment on Justin's status if you were driving here?"

"I can drive with my feet!"

"So what's the death toll?"

Owen rolled his eyes skyward. "Come on dude, I'm _hyper_ not _irresponsible_! I hit _one_ sign!"

"That's also a shame."

Owen plopped his massive-self down on Noah's bed, forcing the metal frame to arc downwards under the shift in unfamiliar weight. Noah perched in his chair, brushing invisible dust from his sleeve. There was a tense silence that passed between them, comprised of the blonde's disappointment in his intellectual best friend and said best friend's own disappointment in the lack of injuries to a human being – especially Heather. "Why don't you want to go? It's gonna be awesome!

Noah scoffed. "You don't know that."

"Yes I do!" Owen shot back, almost defensively. "See Noah, I have Owen senses – and when my Owen senses tingle that means something is going to be _seriously awesome. _Not just awesome, but _seriously _awesome." Noah didn't seem convinced. "Dude, when have I _ever _let you down?"

"There was the one time-"

Owen's hands shot up. "Better yet don't answer that! But come on, when I say something is awesome it usually is pretty wicked!"

Noah could remember that every time Owen tried to convince him to partake in an activity considered 'awesome' the outcome wasn't exactly… something to be reflected positively upon (Noah felt his fingers subconsciously moving to scratch the area of his side where a tattoo resided beneath the material of his shirt). "If I'm recalling correctly… you _did_ say that being on Total Drama was awesome."

"It was!"

Noah's eyebrow peaked in disbelief.

"But it was…" A light bulb went off over Owen's head…Noah knew that this wouldn't end well. "I know how I can convince you to go."

"I'm almost afraid to ask."

* * *

"So you promise you'll make an attempt at having a good time?"

"Yes!" Noah cursed everything then – Owen, himself, Trent, Trent's stupid party, Owen, his tattoo, the very ground he walked on, and **_Owen_** – and, drawing a slow breath to level his anger and to suppress the anxiety bubbling in his gut, he raised his knuckles to the mansion doors. Music pounded on the other side like sledge hammers. "So if I do this," Noah said uncertainly, glancing at Owen from the corner of his eye, "you promise you won't tell Mommy about my Fluttershy tattoo?"

"Nor will I tell her you weren't drunk when you got it. Boy Scouts honor!"

"You were never in the Boy Scouts."

"…Can we go in now?"

Noah knocked several times. Without even waiting for a response he turned on his heel. "Well, I guess they can't hear us! Time to head back home for a relaxing weekend without the guarantee of getting our asses wasted!"

The door flew open and music raged outwards, blowing Noah against the sturdier Owen. Trent stood outlined by the flashing lights in the background, a revolution of reds, greens, and blues that made Noah wonder if anyone in their group had a medical disorder (he was sure he would know when he found one of them on the floor foaming at the mouth). "Dude," Noah addressed with a tone of feigned carelessness, "that disco ball is going to give someone a seizure. That's not safe."

"Don't be a kill joy!" Trent exclaimed, towing them both inside by their wrists. "EVERYONE'S HERE!"

No one inside paid any mind to them, and Owen ran off to dance in the center of everyone else (a lot of people whom Noah didn't even recognize). The room was already in a state of absolute riot – Mike was in "Svetlana" mode, acrobatically leaping around the room, Izzy was performing the Charleston with a bear, Courtney was having a _civil_ _conversation_ with Heather by the punch bowl (Duncan, of course, was slipping a suspicious dissolvent into the liquid), Jo, Scott, and Gwen stood in the corner with several emo kids, one impersonation of Rob Zombie and two body builders with their arms folded, and the general dancing of everyone else filled the room with a blur of bodies.

Gradually Noah slipped behind Heather and poured himself a cup of spiked punch. _If this party is going to end my reputation, I refuse to be conscious for my decisions._

"NICK!"

Noah shuddered as he faced the voice. "Great. _Lindsay."_

The enthusiastic blonde pulled him into his second spine-shattering hug of the day. "_EEE! _I'm so glad you came!" She shoved him away with enough force to nearly send him barrel-rolling over the table. She folded her hands together. "You, like, _never_ come to get-togethers!"

"Believe me"—he soothed down the wrinkle in his shirt—"I didn't come tonight on my own free will."

She ignored his pessimistic attitude – or, in technical terms, he was being his usual self – and hooked her arm into his, sloshing punch across the striped fabric of his chest. "Dance with me!"

"I don't dan—WOAH!" She towed him into the center of the fray and promptly wove them into a maze of young adults – a maze she had no idea how to get out of, not that Noah would complain. At least when he made an attempt to flee she wouldn't be able to follow.

He hadn't even been there for five minutes and already Noah cursed his poor decision making skills for three reasons: 1) he was currently at Trent's not-so-spectacular party, 2) "Svetlana" Mike was swinging from the chandelier above the mass of chaos ensuing down below, adding a not-so-humorous effective to the atmosphere, and 3) he was at Trent's not-so-spectacular party in the middle of the ensuing chaos with nothing but a bent plastic cup of spiked punch to defend himself with.

"And there goes the order of things." _Thank you, internet._

Gradually he just tossed the drink over his shoulder, nailing someone square in the face, and against his better judgment made a move to keep Lindsay from tripping over her own feet as she tried to perform a complex maneuver. "Nick, how do you tango?"

He sighed. "You need a partner. That wasn't even remotely _close _to a tango."

"Be my partner!"

"No."

"Pllleeeasssee?"

"No—I SAID NO!" Oblivious to his objections, Lindsay grappled his wrists and swung him around. He arced out of her arm's reach and slipped from her slender fingers, toppling against the strongest unstoppable force ever known to mankind – Eva. Of the hundreds of people to slam into it just **_had to be Hulk-tacular Eva_**_. _"Oh, uh…" Noah cautiously stepped away as her head twisted a full 90 degrees to face him. "H-Hi, Eva…!"

Her torso gyrated after her neck to fix her position. "Shrimp cake?"

"Erm… Didn't mean to bump into you…"

She furrowed her brow. "I'd pummel you, if it weren't for the fact that Trent's about to kick me out for already decking fourteen other people in the face."

"Fourteen?! How long have you been here?"

"Half an hour."

"…why am I not surprised?"

Lindsay appeared again, clapping like a motorized wind-up toy. Her squealing was the only sound that could destroy the decibel level of the music filling the mansion lobby. "_EEEEEEE_! That was so fun Noah! Let's Tango again! I finally think I'm getting the hang of it!"

"You tried once and failed _miserably_." Noah pinched the bridge of his nose. "Forget this… Where's the bathroom?"

"Somewhere up the stairs," Eva answered, gesturing to the large stair case leading to the upper level. It split either left or right, made to add an elegant design to the interior rather than for logical use. He waved her a thank-you and moved towards it, deciding to take the left side to avoid Sierra and Cody on the right.

As he navigated down the left hall a shadow appeared behind him, filling the passage with a menacing atmosphere. "I thought we were gonna tango?"

Noah rolled his eyes. There was just no rest for the weary. "I have to take a leak, Lindsay."

She whimpered. "Aww, but Nick… I'm soooo _bored_. I've been here for two hours and Tyler's nowhere in sight!"

"Your point?"

"He's a great dancer!"

"Lies."

She pouted, but then, slowly, her lips upturned into a smile. "Hey, I know! We should, like, take Eva up on her offer!"

Noah knew that offer could mean many things for the TDI cast – usually every "offer" led to the contestants wreaking havoc, breaking fragile and expensive things, stealing from under a millionaire's nose *cough Courtney and Duncan cough*, blowing up the island *cough Chris cough* and the structures on it *cough Duncan again cough*, and the general construction, destruction, and reconstruction of mother nature. So to hear _Lindsay_ make a comment about it, from _Eva's _lips, this "offer" couldn't end well.

As if on cue, Eva appeared behind her. "Yeah Shrimp Cake. Take me up on my offer."

Noah winced. "You make it sound like I don't have a choice…"

Eva's grin curled into a wicked smirk.

_Damn you, Fluttershy tattoo._


	4. TPOTC II: Going Downhill, and Fast

_A/N: Thanks for sticking with me! You guys are so awesome! :D Chapters will now be under 2000 words for faster updates!_

**Trent's Party of the Century II: Going Downhill, and Fast**

* * *

In the shadows of the night Eva and Noah crept along the side of Trent's house with a not-as-silent Lindsay in tow: "_Hey guys, I don't know what we're doing but it's fun! Whoops, tripped on a leaf!"_ Eva's fist shot up so suddenly she nearly back-handed Noah in the face (which would have disfigured him worse than any shrapnel grenade could, and, if he was close enough to the impact, would have probably left him in a thirty-year coma. The realization of the risk he was in made him take a full step back.)

"We're here," she remarked, glancing around to make sure they hadn't been followed.

Noah rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, his usual, sarcastic posture. "So please explain to me again what we're doing and why."

Eva ignored him and reached into the neatly trimmed bush beside her. After several moments of intense silence she reeled out a sketchy black bag. "We're getting a little revenge on Trent."

"Because…?"

"Because he's a traitor!"

Noah slapped his hand over his face. "**_Seriously?!_** You're getting revenge on _Trent _because you're still pissed about your team voting you off the island? That was _four years ago_, Eva! And he wasn't even on your team!"

She glared at him, but her expression briskly softened. "He wasn't?"

"NO!"

"…oh." She shrugged passively. "Well, I'm going through with this anyway. I didn't waste all my money on soap suds for nothing."

Noah tailed her over to the second-story window. "What the hell do you need so many soap suds for—HEY!" He was grappled by his belt and tossed clear over her head, straight through the window. No, literally, _through the window. _The glass panels shattered inwards and he landed on the frigid tiles of the bathroom floor. "Ow…"

Eva climbed over the sill a moment later. "Alright, we're in!"

"You're welcome," he hissed as she stepped over him, "my face was more than happy to help!"

"What about me, Nick?!" Noah pulled himself up and glared outside. Far below him Lindsay stood peevishly hobbling from foot to foot. "What am I supposed to do?!"

"Keep a lookout for someone," he replied bitterly, "and don't be so loud!" She pretended to zip her lips shut and throw away the key. Sudden realization dawned on her a moment later – _oh crap how will I unzip my mouth now?! _– and she scrambled after the invisible token. Noah withdrew inside, locating Eva as she flicked on the sink faucet. "You do realize what'll happen to us if we get caught, right?"

Eva scoffed. "We won't. Just don't look too suspicious. Now come help me with this!"

Noah squinted into the dimness of the king-sized restroom and opted for feeling his way around. Gradually he located the sink, and then something warm filled the cavity of his hand. It felt too thick to be a towel, and the shape was all wrong…

"That's my boob."

Noah cursed and withdrew his arm. "Sorry, can't see."

"You've got strong grip, surprisingly." Her fingers slid along the length of his chest. "I dig that in a man."

"_Eva_."

The touch faded with her grunt. "Chill out Kick Stand, I'm just teasing you."

Blood rushed to his face with all the intensity of a raging fire. He was thankful it was too dark for her to see his face. "Whatever, give me a box of suds and I'll fill the bath. At least over there I can see where I'm going."

"Aw, but everyone knows you have more fun in the dark."

"I'm not even going to bother entertaining that comment." He felt her press a box against his chest and he accepted it (more like snatched it out of her hand in a fury to get away as quickly as possible) before storming over to the shower. In the illumination of the moonlight he finally figured out how to turn on the cold water. He plugged the drain and sliced open the box along its perforated edge, spilling the contents into the Jacuzzi-sized tub.

"I'll put some more on the floor so the suds will spread."

"Trent's gonna be _pissed_."

"Exactly."

The door handle clicked out of place.

"Run!" Eva whispered and Noah headed for the window instinctively.

He was going to _jump _if it meant avoiding capital punishment, assuming they were caught by Trent or someone miraculously not wasted by this point, and if he had to land on the bush or even Lindsay then so be it. Out of the darkness Eva appeared and slammed (or rather, _barreled_) into him. Her sneakers slipped on soapy water and her superlative mass knocked them both to the floor (right on the glass judging by the way the shards dug into his back), crushing the wind from his lungs. "Dammit Eva, get off!"

The light switched on.

_Too late._

They glanced up in synch at Geoff who was poised in the threshold, clearly drunk by the way his hair was misplaced and his eyes were out of focus. Noah was aware of his situation – Eva was sitting on his hips with one hand on her forehead and the other on his chest to support herself. He was awkwardly crushed between her hulking form and shards of window glass. Geoff gradually reached into his back pocket, slowly fished out his phone, snapped a photo, and grinned.

"Ww-Waaay to go, Nn-Noah!" Seemingly pleased, he disappeared into the hall. Eva and Noah glanced at each other.

"We need to delete that photo," she remarked, dismounting him and hauling him to his feet. "It has evidence of us and the suds."

"Yes, because _that's_ really our biggest problem."

She tossed the bag out the window – by the yelp that followed Noah figured it hit Lindsay – and without a single word of consent between them she charged out the door with a battle cry. "Eva!" Noah exclaimed but she was already gone.

_Dammit Owen, this is why I don't party!_


	5. NOTE

_******I'm leaving.**_

I love fanfiction and all, but I really don't have any more time to keep up with all my updates... I think I'm going to publish one last story as my last hoorah, but I don't know where it's going to go from there. I might return, I might not.

A lot has been happening lately, and it's all too much to handle when I also have to update fanfics... I want to focus on real world things that will affect me directly in my life. I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry.

Thank you to my readers, for being there no matter what.

Thank you to my reviewers, who gave the motivation to keep trying to the very end.

Thank you to all the friends I have made on here, for being so awesome and wonderful to me. I will still check my messages if you want to talk.

Thank you Fanfiction, for being the biggest influence of my life and transforming me into a great writer.

_**As a parting gift: **If you want to now how any of my unfinished fanfics end, just ask me._

**I'm sorry,**

_~Euregatto_


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